a year ender report

wow! its been awhile. a lot of things have happened. allow me to refresh a significant event that changed my life consequently.

oct 7, my father underwent an open heart surgery, specifically a triple (which later became quadruple) bypass operation . four days later he suffered a mild stroke which later progressed affecting the entire left side of his body. Thank God it was not a complete paralysis. from then until this day (and from now on) i am unofficially a physical and occupational therapist, a nurse, a caregiver and a loving daughter.

not until recently did i realize the real challenges that i will face working in all of the job designations. at first i was fairly positive about accepting the situation as it is, hoping that everything will be fine soon enough. but i am challenged by the fact that this could prove to be a long term set-up.

i am the youngest only daughter of our family. it seems as though, apart from my mom, most of the responsibility with regards to taking care of my father has been left to me. i was prepared to sacrifice a part of my life in service to my father. i like the idea of being a martyr. yet it seems as though i am in the brink of breaking down and giving up.

its been a week back since i've been losing my temper quite a number of times already. i'm tired of scolding and teaching my father to work on his left arm. i'm annoyed at him telling me to do several things at a time. i'm irritated just by hearing my father call my name. i'm sick of doing the same things over and over again every single day.

from selfless to selfish. i've been trying to emotionally control this subtle transition. i've been wanting to go on with my usual college life and to enjoy my love life outside the realms of my family. i simply want to live my life as it was before any of this had happened. i keep praying for patience and understanding. dear Lord i do need those two.

guilt and love for my family keeps me grounded. my better half became my greatest half - never ever left my side from day 1. my friends? they were out of sight. but of course they sent their concerns via sms, a medium by which i cannot tell clearly the sincerity within. my best friend called which made me cry one night, but now she's too busy with her own love problems that adds to my worries (which is quite a different and difficult topic to bring up here). but anyway, my point is, a family is more than just the basic unit of society. a family is that group that can make or break an individual. thou shall not look anywhere else for comfort. look within your own circle, within your home. friends come and go. you change from being selfless to being selfish and your friends wont even notice. but your family will. and it is something you have to face together with the family.

its 3 days before Christmas. we're staying home this time. i pray that i conquer this inevitable transition.

come Emmanuel... come into my heart.

procrastinating

i envy those who find time to update their blogs everyday... well, not quite, really. what i mean is that, i am amazed at how these people get to update their blog sites daily! or is just that i consume so much time just to come up with something writable or even close to writable, that i would need to spend at least half a day to produce something readable. maybe.

or maybe it could be, that in this big pond -which we call small world, i feel insignificant. who cares what i write?

well, admittedly, some blog sites are just well too conceited that i begin to think, to hell with what they say! it's way too long for me to read! or sometimes, their color theme sucks that my eyes hurt with just a glance. with all these thoughts, i feel insecure that people may think the same way regarding my small space right here. but then again, i doubt it if anyone visits my space anyway. im just happy to be writing some stuff when i should be reading something else. haha!

wow, that's a bunch of words for such a short time! talk about procrastination.

To hike or not to?

here i go again. i'm really happy about the "postponement" of the fare hike. but this "postponement" feels a bit shaky. i'm sensing yet another jeepney strike or if not -total chaos. the issue is burried somewhere else simply because they're all too busy with this thing called who-we-thing. hehe. Hay life. it's like buhay.

i'm not sure exactly what i can do. i'm not the type who'd love to march on the streets shouting "isko-lar ng ba-yan, ngayon ay fu-ma-fight!" (pang-red-shirt-day lang ako). i'm not that type of writer who can pick up a great article for a famous broadsheet (pang bloggish lang ako and i believe i only have one reader, that's if i tell him to read). what are we to do next?

browsing through the list of friends i have, i realized that most of them already have their own cars or they have enough coins in their pockets to pay for the extra piso or two. im pretty sure they do care about this fare hike and all, but with not as much vigor and sincerity as i have. i am against this hike primarily because i feel the jeepney drivers don't deserve it. yes it gets rather personal on my side. it's just that i spend my almost everyday riding in their jeeps... and everyday i get an unpleasant experience from the ride. is it just me and my pretty face? hehe. kidding aside, i really hope the issues that need to be straightened out will not be found in the recycle bin. sad to say i was born in the land of postponements-and-delaying-tactics-practitioners. does that mean i just have to live with it? oh please.

on jeepney fare increase

They blame the oil prices and the government. I believe the jeepney operators and drivers are the new "buwayas" of the country (tables have turned, hurray to the police!). Hear me out.

These operators and drivers are like a group of alligators conspiring to get a good kill. The drivers label the police and traffic enforcers as “buwayas” for a reason we all know. What they fail to see is that, they are fellow “buwayas” in the eyes of the commuters. Whoever taught Math to these drivers is a terrible teacher. P4.40 is equal to P5.00? It’s even worse when drivers take advantage of first-time commuters who get to pay more than they should. There are a few good men however, and for them, I pray abundance of passengers. Amen.

Anyway, if there is a solution to the profit loss of the jeepney drivers corresponding to the recent oil price increase, it is NOT by increasing the minimum fare but by decreasing and regulating the volume of jeeps present on the road at a time. For the past six years, as a daily commuter and observer, I have noticed a significant increase in the volume of jeeps in Metro Manila. In a random road stretch of 50 meters, there are 8 jeeps on the average in line on a one-lane street. The jeeps are bumper-to-bumper and are all headed toward the same destination. A driver is lucky to have a maximum of 8 passengers on during non-rush hours, and blessed if he has a maximum of 5 passengers on during unholy hours. I am not exaggerating with my numbers. It is, in fact, a very humble approximation. Now if this is the case everyday, then it is truly impossible for them to break even with the cost of diesel and earn more than their boundary and live a decent life. This is reality.

Increasing the minimum fare will indeed help them earn more than the usual. But this is such a very unfair deal with the commuters! Again, the solution is NOT to increase the minimum fare but to decrease and regulate the volume of jeeps on the road! An additional horrifying reality is that, not all jeeps present on the road are legal public transports. They are but parasites on the road. How come these parasites are not wiped out? It will always boil down to the system. The government is the core of the system.

What makes me feel so outraged is that our so-called lawmakers and officials do not have an idea of the real root cause of this transport strike, or worse, are just too blind to see, primarily because they were never commuters. They do not have personal experiences of what's it like to be on the road and have to pay for a short ride and get a full body blast of lead and carbon monoxide and second-hand smoke and have to literally fit your buttocks in a 6-inch space and when it doesn’t fit, they miss the experience of having to jump off an accelerating jeep because the driver simply does not want to have one less passenger on his jeep. I must say I can go on and on with my experiences while these officials sit inside their luxury vehicle with escorts waving off traffic in their favor. I just have too many angst and deeply rooted hurts and despairs against the jeepney drivers along with the distinct community on the road, -my fellow commuters, and lastly, the stinking government. But it will have to be in another post. But hey, can i just add? These drivers step on the gas as if it were free.

My basic point is, do NOT increase the minimum fare. Please share my point.

When Dreams Come True

Ever find yourself staring at something in front of you and yet your mind is so far somewhere else? I usually find time to think about my dreams at night, before retiring to bed. I dream of good things, of not so bad things, and yes sometimes –of not so good things. Oftentimes, I find myself crying to sleep because of the sad thoughts and the bad day. But last night was pure bliss. I cried to sleep with my heart aching –ready to burst with pure joy and love.

The last two days was more than I can take, “ibang level” as some would describe it. I have been dreaming of something for more than two years now, which actually seemed like forever to me. Although I was aware that my dream is not impossible, I was doubtful that it could be realized. I have other dreams, yes, but what came true the last few days was like having Filipinos on the moon and winter at the equator.

I was tensed. It was a nerve wrecking feeling actually. My knees were literally shaking. I spent two days at the commander in chief’s rest house. It felt like pure sodium in water. I was like a lost rat in the field with a vulture flying above.

The most comforting part though is that I have other animals in the field protecting me from the predator above. You know that feeling of security? The days were intense with absolute temperature rising. The clouds hover above protecting my skin from the ultraviolet. To my bodyguards, I thank you from within my heart. Nothing else could go wrong.

All of a sudden, the day turned to night and the vulture laid to rest. Peace and serenity. With a smile on my face, I went home elated. Nothing could replace that feeling of danger and security at the same time. More importantly, what can beat that loving feeling of acceptance and belongingness to your new family? Can't ask for anything more. My dream came true.

And so I fell in love all over again.

It's 2005 and its 5am.

Yup, 5am and I just finished working on our group's lab report. Thanks to ms excel. *roll eyes* Who say's the 7th day is the day of rest?

Aaaargh. I'm dizzy. My head aches! Backbone hurts. My face, oily. My hair, so short. I'm about to acquire carpal tunnel syndrome. In an hour or two, am off to school! I would love to go on... whine and complain right now. Blog off the tension and stress of the night. But then again...

It's the 7th day of the year. Someone is resting right now and I, not even you, shouldn't bother that someone! Zzzz..... I'm sooo bangag. I'm blabbering so I'll just share what Susan Polis Schutz said that made my night not so horrible after all (don't worry, you're not supposed to know her)...

"This life is yours. Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well. Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly ...Take the power to control your own life. No one else can do it for you. Take the power to make your life happy."

It's freakin early, but I am smiling. I am Happy ^_^ and shocks, im sleepy.

Like An Eagle Held Captive

Approximately two years to go before I earn my bachelor's degree which will serve as my one way ticket to the so-called "real world." A world of illusion that opens only three doors for you to choose from:

1. Unemployment (this door usually opens first)
2. Underemployment (open to those who refuse to enter door#1 and cannot afford door#3)
3. Back to School (open to those who are too proud to enter door #1 and who are searching for more doors other than #2 )

Which door to take?

Some may notice that I seem to have missed one door -that door where most entrepreneurs enter. There is no such door. The truth is, the three doors are mere illusions. Our society has drawn such a foolproof picture of a wonderful life ahead as long as you have your diploma at hand. I cannot argue that this picture held true 20 years ago.

Entrepreneurs knocked down the three and carved their own doors. How is that possible?! It all starts in the mind. Limiting your abilities and knowledge will certainly limit your options! Keep an open mind and observe the changes in the 21st century. It has been said by a bright man that winners don't do different things… winners do things differently!

I recently obtained knowledge on how I can create my own options. How to live life simply the way I want it. How I can be free and soar like an eagle. I want to quit school and prove myself. But I am held back by societies' standards. The expectations of the conventional world prevent me from moving further. I feel stuck. Much worse, I am drowning in a quick sand -the more I struggle, the faster I drown.


Keep calm. Think and plan. I should know what to do... ;-)